Survival of the Fittest...

Today has been a crazy day filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Today is June 27, 2011.

Today is a day that one little girl has been looking forward to for the last 364 days! Today is the day Erika Lynn Paxman turned 6 years old!

Today is the day that I have been dreading for over 5 months. Today is the day that my parents Lynn and Cindy, AKA President and Sister Gilbert, left on their three year journey to serve as the Mission President of the Busan, South Korea Mission.

I, for one, have been dreading this day in a way I cannot even describe. Yes, I think of myself as a fairly independent individual, but over the last 9 months have grown so incredibly close to my amazing mom! The last nine months have been some of the hardest of my life, but I cannot describe how grateful I am for the trials I went through. Being on completely strict bed rest for over 3 months of my pregnancy was awful. I cannot describe the feeling of self-loathing I felt when I felt as though I was doing nothing to support my husband. I felt as though I was just moseying my way through life, not living it. I lived every day with one single purpose, to get my little boy here safely.

On March 30, 2011 my healthy baby boy was born. Every moment of sickness and frustration were washed away the instant I held him in my arms. I am truly grateful that I was on strict bed rest for so long, because it gave me the opportunity to grow as close to my mom in those short months, as I had grown to my dad working with him for all these years. I cannot even come close to adequately describing what a blessing this was. My mom has truly become my confidant, my ally, my friend, and my bs caller! I have learned so much from her in this time, that the idea of not having her by my side to teach me how to crochet, or to watch NCIS with, or to nap through NCIS with, or to just sit at chat with, the idea of not having her here for this? How do I describe how it feels...... It feels like my stomach is being twisted in a knot over and over and over, like my throat is being squeezed like a lemon as I try and fight back the tears. I can't even attempt to put into words the feelings I have when I think of walking into the office tomorrow and not having my dad there, of knowing that when I am having a horrible day that I can't just walk in, shut the door, and ask for a father's blessing. The feelings I am experiencing are indescribable.

I currently feel the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.

Yes, I am independent. I am confident. I am self-assured. I have an amazing husband who supports and sustains me in all I do. I have an angel baby boy who cuddles so close when he knows I need a hug. But currently, I do not have a mom to give me a hug, or a dad to give me a pat on the back or to say "keep doing good." This independent, confident, self-assured person is having a really hard time realizing that it is all gonna be ok.

Tonight I was laying in bed, just sobbing. I could hear Porter in the other room kinda whining, so I got up, turned off his SIDS alarm, and picked him up. The moment I started to pick him up the tears started flowing. How in the world am I so lucky? How did my Heavenly Father know that I would need this little angel, my little boy, to comfort me during this time? Porter and I rocked and cuddled, and I cried and cried, as we said a prayer for each and every member of our family. All I can say is that I am so grateful for the power of prayer. I am so grateful that I have the knowledge that I can pray to my Father in Heaven and know that he hears me, he loves me, and he will answer my prayers. It is just incredible to me, as I prayed for peace, comfort, and strength, how I instantly felt warmth throughout my entire body, almost as if I was just covered by a heated blanket.

The next three years will be incredibly difficult at times, there will be moments (like right now) when it almost feels hard to breathe... But I am so grateful for my testimony of the Gospel, especially for my testimony of Missionary Work that makes this trial seem so minuscule in the grand scheme of things.

So yes, my blog has been horrifically ignored, but now that I feel like I can get my life back in order, I promise I will post hundreds of pictures of what we've done over the last few weeks to prepare for Mom & Dad's departure... It's been an incredible few weeks, and I am so grateful for every moment we were able to spend with them.


I LOVE YOU MOM & DAD!!!!